Netflix Psychologist - Jumanji
Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what their Netflix queue recommends, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.
This week, intern Ryan sent us over, and we quote, the “usurping my Netflix goodness from a mystery man named Xavier.”
Look, we just give them temporary jobs, we can’t teach them good judgement or common sense.
PS. Do not freak out, but Ryan looks like he watches “TV” on some kind of video game. Who even knows, this shit is crazy.
BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “JUMANJI”
This one jumped out of the rest of the pack of previously viewed movie in the queue, mainly because it says, sure, I’ll watch a bunch of medium-brow shit, but I’m going to sit my ass down and watch some motherfucking Jumanji.
What this says about Ryan: A man who tries to eat right, exercise, but sometimes, yo, he just got to have his motherfucking Jumanji.
BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “REVENGE”
Some boring-ass bullshit on ABC about white people getting all upset at each other. Usually the kind of thing we assume angry-ass old people are into, but, you know what, how much do we know about Ryan here, really.
What this says about Ryan: Angry. Old. Angry and old. Who even knows.
BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “DEAD ZONE”
The dude from 16 Candles gets some psychic powers and runs around doing psychic powers shit. Judging from the promo art, they cast Anthony Michael Hall as a person with psychic powers based solely on his forehead size
What this says about Ryan: A dreamer, who wants nothing more than to grow up, get hit by fucking lightning or whatever, and get motherfucking PSYCHIC POWERS, YO.
Conclusion: Ryan might live with his head in some kind of goddamn melodramatic fantasy-land, but at least he got his motherfucking Jumanji.