Netflix Psychologist - Jumanji

Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what their Netflix queue recommends, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.


This week, intern Ryan sent us over, and we quote, the “usurping my Netflix goodness from a mystery man named Xavier.”

Look, we just give them temporary jobs, we can’t teach them good judgement or common sense.
PS. Do not freak out, but Ryan looks like he watches “TV” on some kind of video game. Who even knows, this shit is crazy.


BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “JUMANJI”
This one jumped out of the rest of the pack of previously viewed movie in the queue, mainly because it says, sure, I’ll watch a bunch of medium-brow shit, but I’m going to sit my ass down and watch some motherfucking Jumanji.

What this says about Ryan: A man who tries to eat right, exercise, but sometimes, yo, he just got to have his motherfucking Jumanji.



BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “REVENGE”
Some boring-ass bullshit on ABC about white people getting all upset at each other. Usually the kind of thing we assume angry-ass old people are into, but, you know what, how much do we know about Ryan here, really.

What this says about Ryan: Angry. Old. Angry and old. Who even knows.



BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “DEAD ZONE”
The dude from 16 Candles gets some psychic powers and runs around doing psychic powers shit. Judging from the promo art, they cast Anthony Michael Hall as a person with psychic powers based solely on his forehead size

What this says about Ryan: A dreamer, who wants nothing more than to grow up, get hit by fucking lightning or whatever, and get motherfucking PSYCHIC POWERS, YO.



Conclusion: Ryan might live with his head in some kind of goddamn melodramatic fantasy-land, but at least he got his motherfucking Jumanji.

Netflix Psychologist - YOUR MOMMA Edition

Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what their Netflix queue recommends, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.


This week, intern Cara graciously gave us access to her mother’s Netflix queue, because she, evidently does not get down with that shit. This will be the second consecutive Mom week in Netflix Psychologist history, a true WORLD FUCKING RECORD.


BECAUSE OF YOUR INTEREST IN “CEREBRAL FAITH AND SPIRITUALITY”
The best thing about getting this category suggested by the Netflix program is that, far into the future, when computers become conscious, this is the exact shit your robot friend is going to be all puzzled about. On some “tell me what you mean when you say… faith?”

What this says about Cara’s mom: Probably not some kind of android sent from the future. Almost certainly not.



BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “DOWNTON ABBEY”
ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzz.

But, for real, tho, by far the most fun thing about this show is how mad its fans get when you say “Downtown Abbey.” Try it some time.
What this says about Cara’s mom: She goes dooooown toooown… Not going to look up the rest of the lyrics to that jam.



BECAUSE OF YOUR INTEREST IN “HIGH SCHOOL TV TEEN DRAMAS”
MAYBE WE SHOULD SAVE THE DRAMA FOR CARA’S MOMMA

Get it?



Goddamn, tough fucking crowd.


What this says about Cara’s mom: The beauty of modern teen television is that, even when your kid moves out and gets an internship at Comedy Central, it’s still non-stop bonkers up in the crib.



Conclusion: Cara’s mom is a robot, tho, for real.

Netflix Psychologist - Tell Me About Your Mother Edition

Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what their Netflix queue recommends, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.

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This week, intern Danielle graciously gave us access to her Netflix queue, which she prefaces with the fact that she shares an account with her mom.

Awwwwwwwwww.

Also, of course, we don’t believe her.
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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “AZIZ ANSARI: INTIMATE MOMENTS FOR A SENSUAL EVENING”
Here’s where we play a fun game of “Danielle Or Danielle’s Mom?” On one hand, we’re not at all surprised to hear that one of our Comedy Central interns is a fan of Aziz Ansari, but we’re even less surprised that one of our interns’ moms clicked on something titled “Intimate Moments.”

What this says about Danielle: Who knows, this shit is clearly all about her moms.


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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “HOUSE OF CARDS”
Look, we all love watching Kevin Spacey go down on some blogger, (SPOILER ALERT… FOR YOUR DINNER), but I think we can all agree, this is on some mom level shit.
What this says about Danielle: She likes watching some boring ass political shit, or she likes watching Kevin Spacey just go to town on bloggers.


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BECAUSE OF YOUR INTEREST IN “TRAVEL & ADVENTURE REALITY TV”
Finally, something that, like, an actual person might watch. STEP YOUR GAME UP, DANIELLE, you going to let your mom watch all the TV? You need to be on this shit 24/7 at work, getting your queue to a more respectable place.


What this says about Danielle: Clearly struggling to assert herself with her mother. Does that mean something psychologically? Probably not.



Conclusion: Danielle needs to get a PRESCRIPTION FOR MORE TV… STAT.

Netflix Psychologist - The DEFINITELY NOT STONED Edition

Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what their Netflix queue recommends, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.

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This week, intern Andrew graciously gave us access to his Netflix queue. He seems… not high. Definitely not high at all.


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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “WORKAHOLICS”
We’re going to assume Andrew included this image in some kind of suck-up move, but here’s the main thing everyone should learn about being an intern for an entertainment company: that shit totally works. GREAT JOB ANDREW

What this says about Andrew: Willing to play the simplest mind games. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.


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BASED ON YOUR INTEREST IN TV DOCUMENTARIES
Honestly, does anyone actually watch these things? You’d have to be like, I don’t know, stoned out of your mind or something to watch enough of these that Netflix wants to recommend this as a genre to you. And does this look like the face of a man who’s stoned out of his mind?
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Wait, don’t answer that.
What this says about Andrew: Who knows, definitely not that he’s fucking high as shit every single second of every day, even at work. Definitely not that.


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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “COSMOS”
Oh great, we get just one nanometer down on his page, and we see the suggestions of a dude in 2013 who watched a shitload of “Cosmos.”

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This dude.

What this says about Andrew: THIS ISN’T SUBTEXT ANYMORE PEOPLE



Conclusion: Not high. Definitely not high right this very second.





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Netflix Psychologist - Signal Vs. Noise

Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what Netflix recommends for them, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.

In this latest installment, intern Liz sent over her Netflix queue and said she was “ready to be made fun of.” WE SHALL SEE ABOUT THAT.


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BASED ON YOUR INTEREST IN OSCAR-WINNING 20TH CENTURY PERIOD PIECES
Here’s the thing. You know you’re addicted to television when Netflix has information that’s this specific on you. Seriously, someone needs to go the fuck outside and look at some trees or something.

What this says about Liz: Addicted to TV. We’d be irresponsible if we said we were completely against this.


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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “FIRST POSITION”
We had to look up what this was, but it looks like this is some kind of documentary about, like, dancing? Hard to say exactly. Anyway, this is clearly the kind of thing that you pretend to watch some afternoon when you’re all hung over and just need something on to help you concentrate on keeping your stomach on the inside.

What this says about Liz: Possible alcohol problem? We should monitor the situation.


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BASED ON YOUR INTEREST IN THRILLERS
Yo, who needs all the tension? Thrillers… pffffffft. Between this and the documentaries and period pieces, this profile is like the speedball version of watching all the television.

What this says about Liz: After all that relaxation, who are we to begrudge her a little come-up.



Conclusion: All over the goddamn place. Are we reading too much into this? WE DON’T THINK SO

Netflix Psychologist - Girlfriend Edition

Welcome to Netflix Psychologist, the game where we have our Comedy Central interns show us what Netflix recommends for them, and we tell them just what the fuck is wrong with them.

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In this latest installment, intern Carlo tried to preface his screen grabs by claiming that he shares his account with his girlfriend.
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.

(Apologies in advance, Carlo sent us tiny-ass screenshots. You’ll have to trust us.)

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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “RINGER”
Here’s the thing about catching up on a quickly cancelled series involving Buffy the Vampire Slayer: you know what you’re going to get. You know it only lasted 22 episodes, you know you already hate vampires (or whatever the hell happened on this show), boom.

What this says about Carlo: What could speak more to a fear of commitment more than signing on to get involved with the TV equivalent of a dead puppy?


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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED “SAY YES TO THE DRESS”
Uh oh. Without delving into gender stereotypes, we’re just going to take a wild stab in the dark and assume this falls on the girlfriend half of the queue. The kind of girlfriend looking to settle down.

Actually, if you think about it, putting “Say Yes to the Dress” is basically the internet age equivalent of asking someone to marry you.

What this says about Carlo: UH OHHHHH


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BECAUSE OF YOUR INTEREST IN DRAMA
Because how much more of it do you need in your life?

What this says about Carlo: Honestly, what could cause more drama than a fear of commitment paired with a lady who’s READY TO SETTLE DOWN. Get ready folks, we’re talking fireworks!



Conclusion: Carlo is, needless to say, so screwed. That’s assuming, of course, that his so-called girlfriend actually exists. Actually, he’s kind of screwed either way.

Netflix Psychologist - Intern Edition

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Welcome to Streaming Video Service Psychologist, the game where a special guest tells us the top 4 things that Netflix (or your streaming video service of choice) has discovered about you, and we’ll tell you just what is wrong with you.

In our inaugural edition, we got our intern Cort Freeman to be our guinea pig, so we made him reveal his deepest darkest secret: his Netflix recommendation page.



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BECAUSE YOU WATCHED THAT 70s SHOW
Remember in 1998, when That 70s Show came out and it sounded almost like if you were making a joke about how TV is completely out of ideas? Surprise, assholes, guess what, this show was on forever, and was home to the Sexiest Woman Alive, Hollywood’s Steve Jobs, the Most Laid Man in Los Angeles, and Topher Grace, so we should all learn not to judge a show by its (terrible, simply awful) logline.

What this says about Cort: at one point this would have said he was open minded to a fault, the dude who’s always like “it’s better than you think, seriously.” But we’re pretty sure he’s just a dude whose mom blocked Black Swan from On Demand.

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MORE FOOTBALL MOVIES Check it out, sports heads, Netflix knows you better than you know yourself. “Football Movies.” Yeah, definitely, like that’s a legit genre. Like Waterboy, or Rudy, and Any Given Sunday are all, you know, pretty much the same shit. Weirdly enough, though, despite creatively having almost no bearing on anything, the genre of “FOOTBALL MOVIES” actually kind of makes sense when you think about the dudes (let’s face it, exclusively dudes) who know that, whatever the message, style, or tone of a movie, as long as that shit got football, that’s all it takes.

What this says about Cort: Not picky about movies, yes picky about watching dudes hit each other.

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MORE DARK TV SHOWS FROM THE 1990s
Really, this just means X-Files and a bunch of much more terrible shows, right?

What this says about Cort: Possibly paranoid, and definitely one of those dudes who “can’t rule out the possibility that aliens walk among us.”



Conclusion: Our test subject appears to be hiding a past life as a sexy teen, suppressing subconscious rage, and a huge amount of paranoia. Like always, we recommend sedation. Don’t worry, we’re putting him into the Hannibal Lecter mask right now.