Ask A Stoner: Brownies, Bad Trips, & Miley Cyrus
Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.
What’s the appropriate amount of weed to put in weed brownies?
None. Baking weed brownies is a fucking waste of weed. It takes like four times the amount of weed baked into brownies to get you as high as just smoking it. Plus, it usually makes the brownies taste weird. Why not just bake some regular brownies, take a few good ol’ fashioned bong tokes, then eat some normal, delicious brownies, which taste even better when you’re already stoned? Look, I’m not one to turn down an edible. If they’re there and being offered, I’ll eat one… or three. But I’ve found that putting weed in brownies, or buying pre-made weed brownies, is a huge waste of marijuana/money. You might as well grind up a bunch of $20 and put them in the brownie mix because you’re literally eating your own drug money.
Do you have any tips for what to do if you accidentally get TOO scary high?
Yes. Look at yourself in the mirror for a really long time. It will bring you back to reality. Just kidding, that’s the worst possible thing you could do. Avoid mirrors at all costs. Really though, I haven’t been scary-high since I was like 14 (ah, the good ol’ days… I’d give anything to have that kind of low-weed-tolerance back), so it’s been awhile. But if you find yourself freaking out with how faded you are, just put on some good music and try to go to sleep. I’m not saying this will be a cure-all. The last time I got scary-high and tried to pass out, I ended up having an 8-hour dream that I was trying to go to sleep. That’s right, I was passed the fuck out on a couch, but in the dream, I was desperately trying to go to sleep on that very couch with no success (how do I know I was actually asleep? Because I woke up with genitals drawn all my face, and that wasn’t part of the dream). It sucked, but it sure beat trying to talk to someone to calm down and worrying that they could read my thoughts, or putting on a movie and wondering for two hours whether part of Chris Tucker’s soul was trapped in the VHS of “The Fifth Element” (which I did for 20 minutes before lying down and knocking out).
Why do you think Miley Cyrus is such a pothead?
If your dad was named “Billy Ray” and rocked a professionally-groomed mullet for a large part of your childhood, you’d need to get lit, too. But actually, Miley Cyrus isn’t a stoner. She only smokes when she’s in her Hannah Montana form, mostly to get baked and giggled at how her name rhymes.