Ask A Stoner: Brownies, Bad Trips, & Miley Cyrus

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.

 

What’s the appropriate amount of weed to put in weed brownies? 

None.  Baking weed brownies is a fucking waste of weed.  It takes like four times the amount of weed baked into brownies to get you as high as just smoking it.  Plus, it usually makes the brownies taste weird.  Why not just bake some regular brownies, take a few good ol’ fashioned bong tokes, then eat some normal, delicious brownies, which taste even better when you’re already stoned?  Look, I’m not one to turn down an edible.  If they’re there and being offered, I’ll eat one… or three.   But I’ve found that putting weed in brownies, or buying pre-made weed brownies, is a huge waste of marijuana/money.  You might as well grind up a bunch of $20 and put them in the brownie mix because you’re literally eating your own drug money. 

 

Do you have any tips for what to do if you accidentally get TOO scary high? 

Yes.  Look at yourself in the mirror for a really long time.  It will bring you back to reality.  Just kidding, that’s the worst possible thing you could do.  Avoid mirrors at all costs.  Really though, I haven’t been scary-high since I was like 14 (ah, the good ol’ days… I’d give anything to have that kind of low-weed-tolerance back), so it’s been awhile.  But if you find yourself freaking out with how faded you are, just put on some good music and try to go to sleep.  I’m not saying this will be a cure-all.  The last time I got scary-high and tried to pass out, I ended up having an 8-hour dream that I was trying to go to sleep.  That’s right, I was passed the fuck out on a couch, but in the dream, I was desperately trying to go to sleep on that very couch with no success (how do I know I was actually asleep? Because I woke up with genitals drawn all my face, and that wasn’t part of the dream).  It sucked, but it sure beat trying to talk to someone to calm down and worrying that they could read my thoughts, or putting on a movie and wondering for two hours whether part of Chris Tucker’s soul was trapped in the VHS of “The Fifth Element” (which I did for 20 minutes before lying down and knocking out).  

Why do you think Miley Cyrus is such a pothead?

If your dad was named “Billy Ray”  and rocked a professionally-groomed mullet for a large part of your childhood, you’d need to get lit, too.  But actually, Miley Cyrus isn’t a stoner.  She only smokes when she’s in her Hannah Montana form, mostly to get baked and giggled at how her name rhymes. 

Ask A Stoner: Grandpa Ghosts, Living Underwater, & How Much Weed Is Too Much Weed?

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.

Can my the ghost of my Grandpa see me smoke?  

There’s a strong possibility.  Many people believe they communicate with the spirits of their loved-ones when exceptionally stoned, particularly with psychedelics but some bomb-chron-dot-com might do the trick, too.

Some scientists (and many stoners) also believe that we all trip balls at the point of death off of natural psychedelic substance released in the brain.

So if the ghost of your Grandpa can see you smoking, chances are he’s just as stoned as you are, surfing a psychedelic tsunami through the cosmos, giving you a ghost-high-five for joining the party.

The only question is: are you high enough to high-five back?  

 

If people could live under water, would we?

Sure, some might. Being weightless and floating around would be cool. But what’s the point if you’re not baked?  Personally, I wouldn’t, because you can’t spark a bowl underwater.  And as far as I know, there aren’t any other good drugs found under the sea (and I’ve researched a tit-load of drugs). Plus, I’d probably get my head caught in one of those plastic things that holds six-packs together and gets washed into the sea.

Our evolutionary ancestors spent countless centuries waiting to crawl onto land; I think I’ll hang out up here and wait for space travel to catch on.

Wait…can you smoke in space??? Fuck!!! 

 

For people who smoke everyday, how much weed is too much weed?

This is like asking a fundamentalist Christian “how much love for Jesus is too much love?”  It’s impossible to answer.  To be safe, I’d say, as long as you’re not plotting to rob your weed dealer to support your habit, you’re fine.

Like Jesus to many, weed enhances all aspects of life, whether it’s waking up, going to sleep, working, studying, reading, watching a movie, driving, having sex, or smoking more weed. It’s never a bad idea to be baked.  

Ask A Stoner - Drug Tests, Munchies, 2 Broke Girls

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.

I think I’m getting drug tested for my job, WHAT DO I DO?

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Ask A Stoner: Used “Toothbrushes,” Black Jesus & Hiccup Cures

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.

My roommate bought an electric toothbrush at the Goodwill, saying he’ll just bleach it and get a new brush head. I am right in thinking this is totally disgusting, yes?

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Ask A Stoner: Toaster Ovens, Pick Up Lines & The CIA

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.

I don’t have a stove, my microwave broke, and I’m sick of eating tuna and cereal.  What’s the best food I can make in a toaster oven?

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Ask A Stoner: Race, Dog Poop & Dinosaurs

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.

What’s the difference between smoking with a white guy and smoking with a black guy?

If the weed you’re smoking is any good, black and white are indistinguishable.There are no colors.Just vibrations, you know what I’m saying? This is why the best weed dealers never get busted. Their customers can never give accurate descriptions to authorities.

Cop: “So the guy who sold you this weed, what’d he look like?”
Stoner: “He looked… chill.”
Cop: “About what age was he?”
Stoner: “An awesome age.” 

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Ask A Stoner

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Dylan Mallett is medicinal budtender and cannabis connoisseur living in LA. From California to Amsterdam to other parts of California, Dylan’s passion for pot has taken him all over the world and allowed him to smoke virtually every strain of sticky-icky on the planet.


I’m having some of the fellas over for a movie night. Billy is bringing his new marijuanas. What movie(s) should we rent?

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