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The Group Coupon Project 2: Thai Massage

Thu, 16 May 2013 11:01:00 -0400

The Group Coupon Project 2: Thai Massage

Cost: Massage price $39 + $10 tip = $49 total spent.

Standard price before tip is $131, for a savings of 70% ($92).

PRE-MASSAGE

So I’m going for my first Thai massage ever. Make that my first professional massage ever. I’ve been too scared of human touch to attempt it before. I heard sometimes people cry when certain parts of their body are kneaded. Why did I use the verb kneaded? What am I, bread? Yes, I wish I were bread sometimes. It’s so popular! I regret nothing. Hopefully, the masseuse won’t mind me being on my phone the whole time “taking notes”. Ultimate relaxation. Ultimate rudeness.

Expectations:

To experience true letting go & peace of mind (I’ll settle for a light nap too)
To not giggle the whole time because I am extremely ticklish (TMI)
To not have to get *that* naked (I didn’t sign up for that kind of blog)

Rules:

I will keep an open mind. I will keep an open mind. I will keep an open mind. But I will not channel spirits while the massage is in progress.

Secret Wish:

To let go of any weird emotional baggage I’ve been holding in my armpit

MASSAGE:

**SUPERCOOL BEHIND-THE-SCENES NOTE: Times are approximated due to hands-free nature of activity. Maybe try this at home? I dunno, follow your gut.**

9:58 a.m. Showed up for massage, but we’re locked out uh oh so far so bad

This guy and I are in the same boat. Neither massaging nor being massaged.

Who gets nerves before a massage? I do.

10:02 a.m. Crisis averted, we are in.

Just follow the heavenly light!

It smells nice, like oils and more…oils. There are two other girls in the waiting room and we all look like we could use a massage after the unbelievable stress of four minutes ago.

10:06 a.m. We’re all offered either champagne or hot tea. It’s 10 a.m. on a Wednesday. We all get the hot tea. This is why none of us are Prince. Prince would choose champagne.

A spot of tea for your troubles, and a candle. Always a candle.

10:15 a.m. We’re each taken back to rooms where we change. We’re given gaucho pants and what can best be described as your Dad’s casual Friday Hawaiian shirt to change into. What smells like a sweet insect repellent is sprayed outside our chambers.

This is the bed I’ve made for myself. Now I must lay in it.

Tasteful, classic, a warning of some sort?

10:19 a.m. The suspense of who my masseuse will be is killing me softly. I can’t relax until his or her face is revealed to me!

Here’s my face though. Straight out of the Blair Witch Project reboot.

10:21 a.m. My masseuse seems friendly with an ‘80s type haircut. She reminds me of someone who would play a “Janet” on a sitcom. Or whatever the Thai-equivalent name is of Janet. She asks to make sure I don’t have any problem areas. Don’t get me started, lady! I am one big problem area.

10:22 a.m. The massage starts. I am lying face down in the sheets, truly vulnerable to falling asleep.

Mood lighting (mood for a nap).

10:25 a.m. First, the bottoms of my feet are swabbed down with wet towels. Good call, feet first. Except this part tickles so bad I floated up out of my body to go pee.

10:27 a.m. My masseuse suddenly without warning runs off to turn on some music, which I would best describe as a stripped down, no-nonsense version of an Enya album. Wow, Thai Janet (TJ) is a real go-getter! I wouldn’t be surprised if she gets a promotion soon, what with her serene gumption.

Lost B-roll from Paranomal Activity AKA the only massage footage I got:

Yes, I am basically the girl from The Ring but with more forehead. Even she needs a day off.

10:33 a.m. TJ pushes around all my muscles like she’s trying to individually start a fight with each of them.

10:40 a.m. I’m face first in a pillow so I can’t breathe at various points. It feels like I am an old eccentric billionaire whose staff is trying to smother her in order to get her inheritance. Unfair enough.

This was my view for all of the massage.

10:45 a.m. Lotion is applied. The annual applying of the lotion! My skin feels softer than the lighting in this joint.

10:50 a.m. TJ slowly works her way onto my back, doing a series of elbows into my back. She elbows me in the back more than a night out at the club, amirite, people who go to clubs a lot AKA not me?

10:55 a.m. A couple starts having an argument right outside my chamber. I guess they are here for a couples’ massage and something’s gone awry. They finally get their act together, but someone elbowing your back while a couple is arguing is not really a dream scenario for me in terms of relaxation.

11:02 a.m. Due to all the back elbows, my life briefly flashes before my eyes, but just like the highlight reel from yesterday and last week.

11:05 a.m. TJ stretches me out in various positions that feel like I am going to break. Incredibly I do not break, but are massages supposed to feel like one long game of “Say Uncle”?

11:07 a.m. I have my phone nearby in case I have the opportunity to take a better video of the action, but then TJ moves it out of reach. Wow. Bold. So much for that. I’m calling my lawyer after this.

11:12 a.m. A hot towel makes an appearance. I love this hot towel! It’s a real friend to me in a time of need when it feels like all my bones are being broken.

11:15 a.m. Remember I was worried about giggling? Well, I do not, given that I think my body is going to shut down. Forget taking a nap. I am too busy focusing on survival.

11:20 a.m. The consensual synchronized bullying continues…

11:25 a.m. I am asked to flip over so she can mold my face a bit. Also she buttons one button on my shirt so as to preserve what’s left of my dignity.

11:32 a.m. At the end I am asked to sit up Indian-style (how convenient) and then I am leaned on in various directions to see if I will snap or not.

11:36 a.m. All done. I’m not sure what just happened. Did I have the wrong idea about massages all along?

11:37 a.m. I am given hot tea afterwards, which I hold with a bit of a tremble. I didn’t know how much to tip. Unlike me, parking is validated.

A spot to sit and think about what just happened to you.

A fountain to reflect about what just happened to you.

Were my goals met? Let’s review:

Expectations:

To experience true letting go & peace of mind - UHHH. Did not nap, see above for full breakdown.
To not giggle the whole time because I am extremely ticklish - CHECK! Hard to giggle when your psyche is being dismantled.
To not have to get *that* naked - CHECK! Thank gosh for that button.

Rules:

I will keep an open mind. I will keep an open mind. I will keep an open mind. But I will not channel spirits while the massage is in progress. - CHECK, but my back is now closed.

Secret Wish:

To let go of any weird emotional baggage I’ve been holding in my armpit- CHECK. The muscle tenderizing made me forget I even have armpits.

Security cameras? Secrets, that’s why!

FUNCLUSION: This experience was purely transformative. First and foremost in that I felt like I joined a low-maintenance cult that communicated its beliefs through elbows to the back and kneepits. I couldn’t sit back and divorce myself from the experience like on the Hollywoodland Tour because I was the star of the show, or my body rather (sorry, this is turning into a John Mayer song).

I did realize how much I seem to have different expectations of what I find relaxing compared to most people, i.e., someone trying to rearrange all my muscles and joints is not at the top of the list. Regardless, I grew and I became that butterfly.

So far, these Group Coupons have been a real test of my inner faith and resolve (A Hollywood tour without seeing any actual celebrities? A Thai massage that felt like a mob hit was put out on my hamstrings?), and isn’t that what this crazy journey called life is all about? Don’t answer that.

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Come back for fresh new Push & Believe every Monday & Wednesday on CC: Studios, and watch Mike’s episode of The Half Hou r, airing Friday May 31 at 12:30a/11:30c on Comedy Central.

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Amy’s new show, Inside Amy Schumer, airs Tuesdays 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central, but you can go behind the scenes of the show right now on Behind Amy Schumer.

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FUCK YOU, AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D TEASER.

Fuck you.

THAT’S RIGHT, I SAID FUCK YOU. I mean, seriously? SERIOUSLY? A 30 SECOND TEASER? That’s all I get? GODDAMN IT, AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D TEASER! I AM ONLY A HUMAN WOMAN!

I mean, I’m a good person! It’s been at least a year since I stole a Chris Brown song (and c’mon, that’s just proper vengeance right there). I’ve never run over anyone with my car. I only take the Lord’s name in vain— Well, no more than once a paragraph, max.

Point is, why you gotta do me like this, Avengers teaser? Just a clear shot of one of the five new characters you’re introducing! That’s all I need! Or a sense of how the series might fit into the Marvel franchise as a whole. Or anything beyond the revelation that Agent Coulson has a car—

Oh. Hey. A new trailer’s out. Huh.

Um. Okay. Well. I guess I owe you an apology, S.H.I.E.L.D. This trailer is full of funny lines and actual plot and characters! That is cool! Not only does Agent Coulson have a car, but he appears to actually drive it at some point—

Wait. BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH GUNN FROM ANGEL? Like, he’s a superhero? Is he an established superhero from the Marvel universe? Am I gonna spend my summer reading article after article about OMG he’s Luke Cage! or no, actually he’s very clearly Rage from New Avengers or c’mon guys no he’s the third-generation super-soldier Patriot, though that got retconned by the other thing maybe they’ll just ignore that storyline—

Ugh, that sounds tiresome.

Thanks a lot, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Thanks a lot for that.

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5 Most Intentionally Funny Videos at The Nerdist 5/14/13:

thecomedybureau:

Here are the picks for our weekly feature at The Nerdist, The 5 Most Intentionally Funny Videos This Week including videos from the likes of Andre Hyland, Eric Martin, Dead Kevin, and more.

If you wish to be considered for a 5 MIFV in the future (again, they happen every week), please read the rules after clicking the link before submitting.

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Here’s a handful of Amy quotes to get you started:

“I’m a little sluttier than the average bear”
“You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.”
“No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.”

Amy’s new show, Inside Amy Schumer, airs Tuesdays 10:30/9:30c on Comedy Central, but you can go behind the scenes of the show right now onBehind Amy Schumer.

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rayyyrae: i just LOVE amy schumer So do we.

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:31:14 -0400

rayyyrae:

i just LOVE amy schumer

So do we.

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by Aparna Nancherla If you have the internet, and I think you might, you’re just a couple clicks...

Thu, 09 May 2013 14:01:00 -0400

by Aparna Nancherla

If you have the internet, and I think you might, you’re just a couple clicks away from endless deals & steals. But how do you know which ones are worth your time? That’s where I come in. If you want an anxiety-ridden, risk-averse introvert’s review of what’s out there, you’ve come to the right place. This is the Group Coupon Project.

The Group Coupon Project 1: Hollywoodland Tour

Cost: Ticket price $14 + $20 tip = $34 total spent.
Standard price before tip is $29, for a savings of 52% ($15).

PRE-TOUR
Despite living in Los Angeles for nearly two years, I’ve done next to nothing tourist-y since moving here, besides mingle among the costumed characters outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre, hoping to get a stronger sense of my own identity. That Spiderman really knows who he is, and what he wants. And what he wants is to take a picture with you for a couple clams!

That being said, I decided to go on a Hollywood tour, yes, sign included.

Expectations:

See at least one famous person (not just Internet famous, no offense to the Twitterati, but I am bad at recognizing egg avatars in person)
Appreciate the Hollywood sign in a new way (not just something to wave my fist at while I’m stuck in traffic)
Mildly get “discovered” (I don’t know exactly what this means yet either, but when it happens, we’ll both know)
Engage in one conversation with fellow tourists (given my acute social anxiety, this one is a stretch)
To rekindle my sense of wonder and awe over the City of Angels (dream big)

Rules:

I will not snark at tourists. I will not snark at tourists. I will not snark at tourists. Ok, I will not snark at ALL tourists. But if I see a fanny pack, all bets are off.

Secret Wish:

To see Kevin Sorbo (of the late WB’s Hercules fame! Duh. Where is he these days?!) GOOGLE HIM IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT SOONER. He needs the page views. Fine. I need his page views.

TOUR
11:46 a.m. I get to tour place. No one else here. Am I touring alone? Guy at desk who gives me pink ticket says tour will start late.

Lifelong memories start with a solo tour of Hollywood on a Tuesday at noon.

Anticipation is at Betty White Fan Club levels.

11:50 a.m. Two other ladies about my age show up, though wearing much higher heels and showing more skin. I’ll call them Glasses and Bun, based on their accoutrements. Bun says: “We want the very best tour we can get, and also do you have a restroom?” They are still haggling!

11:55 a.m. Glasses just said “Well, if we do that, we’re gonna miss the Chelsea Lately show.” That feels unacceptable, even to me, a stranger nearby!

11:56 a.m. A woman in a full fur vest just got in her car parked across the street. This tour is already happening as far as I’m concerned.

11:57 a.m. Still no tour momentum. My parking meter expires in 1 hour and 50 minutes. I’m nervous. Plus, my phone isn’t going to charge itself.

Is this a guy who once went on one of these tours? Don’t answer that.

12:00 p.m. We are in a part of Hollywood I like to call “Character Central.” A man just coughed up both his lungs up onto the street, and they’re now doing a duo soft shoe act. Anything is possible.

This is a trash can. So far, one of the tour highlights!

12:06 p.m. Bun to Glasses: “Are you tweeting? I need Chapstick.” I wish I had a friend to share secrets with like her!

12:09 p.m. There’s a dance studio across the street and Bun says: “They’re learning soul-sa. There’s something in my pants.” She’s the queen of non sequiturs! Bun and Glasses are liking each other’s Instagrams in real time.

12:16 p.m. Tour still hasn’t started. Cathy-level worried (i.e., ACK). LA isn’t working out. Do I need to move back home?

12:21 p.m. Five minutes later, Xenu opened a window. The tour is starting!!! Tour guide is from Boston. Possibly related to a Wahlberg or an Affleck? He told all three of us (Bun, Glasses, and I) not to talk as we may be distracting other people who are trying to listen to the tour. Let me repeat: There are three of us.

Back of tour guide’s head. Am I looking at Damon blood?

12:22 p.m. It’s established that Bun and Glasses are visiting from New Jersey. I’m visiting from Washington D.C. (it’s a half-lie! I did move from there…two years ago). And we are “the coolest three people on a tour right now”, according to Bun. I guess she’s not counting Peter, Paul, and Mary. Please tell me Peter, Paul, and Mary are on tour right now. I always just assume.

12:23 p.m. We pass by the church front that was used in the Sister Act movies. I already got my money’s worth, as far as I’m concerned.

Hallelujah, this is living!

12:26 p.m. I missed getting a photo of the Hollywood Bowl, ughhhhhhhhhh, what’s the point? What is my Plan B? Also, the wind is Beyonce fierce today.

12:29 p.m. We pass by Adam Carolla’s house. It’s pink, which the tour guide makes a joke about since Carolla was the co-host of The Man Show. Oh, please. All straight men want is to be in a pink house. Oh no, I’m turning into a ‘80s comic with extra shoulder pads.

12:32 p.m. We pass Ashton Kutcher’s house, bought for $10 million, which Justin Bieber almost bought right out from underneath him. It’s a glass house. Celebrities in glass houses should not throw money at glass houses.

It’s blinding because Ashton Kutcher lives there, not because I’m a bad photographer and the house is made of glass.

12:34 p.m. We pull up to the Hollywood sign, after several terrifying turns up Mulholland Drive.

12:35 p.m. Madonna’s old house is pointed out. We are let out to take photos and/or pee. Though there is nowhere to pee, except at the Hollywood sign. Also, it’s only been like 15 minutes since the tour started.

Madonna used to live here, next to God and country.

12:37 p.m. Bun and Glasses offer to take my photo! Will we be best friends after this? At least a web series!

12:42 p.m. I got my photo taken with the Hollywood sign. Bun orders me to pose.

I’m a real unnatural.

First celebrity sighting! Only you can prevent high expectations.

12:47 p.m. The tour guide only wants to talk in information bytes, he won’t acknowledge us otherwise.

12:49 p.m. According to TG, Hugh Hefner had a party to raise money for renovating the Hollywood sign, by having people sponsor individual letters. Great, even the sign is having trouble making it in this city. Hefner “adopted” the Y. My main question is “Y?”

12:53 p.m. Passed some ethnic nannies strolling white babies on the way back down Mulholland. Celebrities…they’re not actually that much like us!

12:59 p.m. Passed a cavalcade of celebrity houses we were not actually supposed to stop by including: Orlando Bloom’s, Will Ferrell’s, Ben Stiller’s but now Jason Statham’s, Bela Lugosi’s. Meg Ryan’s, and Laurence Fishburne’s but he has a security camera so no stopping! Then we passed a few more Hollywood landmarks which, based on my photography, taught me I could never be a paparazzo.

Jason Statham bought this house from Ben Stiller. I guess the house wanted to transition into more dramatic roles.

Vampire house!

Half of the Magic Castle.

Just barely Mann’s Chinese Theater.

1:07 p.m. Well, ended back where we started, and I gave the driver a $20 tip (the sign said: Good Tour = $5 tip, Great Tour = $10 tip, Best Tour Ever!!! = $20 tip). It should read Best Tour Ever!!! slash “too afraid to ask for change.”

Were my goals met? Let’s review.

Expectations:

See at least one famous person - CHECK. I saw some houses, close enough.
Appreciate the Hollywood sign in a new way - CHECK. With two NEW FRIENDS even though I don’t know their names and they don’t know mine.
Mildly get “discovered” - CHECK. My photo was taken by two strangers, I mean NEW FRIENDS.
Engage in one conversation with fellow tourists - CHECK. I said I was from D.C., remember? That counts.
To rekindle my sense of wonder and awe over the City of Angels - For a Tuesday at noon! Yes.

Rules

I will not snark at tourists. I will not snark at tourists. I will not snark at tourists. Ok, I will not snark at ALL tourists. But if I see a fanny pack, all bets are off. - CHECK. There were no fanny packs.

Secret Wish

To see Kevin Sorbo (of the late WB’s Hercules fame! Duh. Where is he these days?!) GOOGLE HIM IMMEDIATELY, IF NOT SOONER. He needs the page views. Fine. I need his page views. -HALF-CHECK. I saw Smoky the Bear’s picture, so close enough.

I also got this coupon for souvenirs. I will cherish it always.

OVER IT AND OUT.

Time to call it a…

CC:STUDIOS scoured every single part of the Internet to find...

Wed, 08 May 2013 20:51:09 -0400

CC:STUDIOS scoured every single part of the Internet to find you the funniest up-and-coming talent. Welcome to CC:STUDIOS Next Gen.

First up, Dead Kevin. They’ll be posting a new video every Wednesday starting tomorrow on CC: Studios, or subscribe to our youtube channel.