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Gentlemen Scumbags: Get Him Riled Up

If you’ve ever thought about taking relationship advice from women’s magazines, there’s one thing you should know: don’t. Mike Burns and Mike Bridenstine are the Gentlemen Scumbags, and they’re here to fix what’s wrong with your relationships and dating life. Each week, they’ll be breaking down the dating advice from some of your favorite ladies’ magazines and websites from the perspective of an actual, real-life scumbag. This week’s terrifying tips were brought to us by Cosmo; Click here for more terrible advice.

“Once, my office phone rang, and when I answered, I heard my girlfriend at home moaning about how good it feels to touch herself.” - Jakob, 28

Brido: No shit, it feels good. That’s obvious. But you can’t just do that while a man’s at work. If your grandpa made calls like that, he’d get sent back to the home. Jakob 28 is at his shitty office job making copies (or whatever) and his girlfriend is at home, without a care in the world, literally rubbing it in his face? Don’t do this, ladies. Even if your boyfriend is a weirdo like Jakob 28. Because now he has to walk around the workplace with “Dress Pants Boner” while the HR department decides whether or not he’s harassing people with it. SPOILER ALERT: He is totally harassing people with it.

Burns: Don’t “call” with that shit. Now Jakob 28 has to either A) Just sit there and do the, “Mmmm hmmm, ok. Yeah sure. Ok.” bullshit banter into the phone because he can’t just belt out at his desk, “Oh, fuck yeah! Rub that cooze, baby!” then just whip out his dick and start crankin’ on it. Or, B) Run out of the office and take the phone call outside like an asshole. It’s such a hassle. Also, if I called to tell the girl I’m dating every time I beat one down when she was at work, and I’m home, she get pretty goddamn pissed ‘cause her phone would ring every 5 minutes. “Hey sweetie, guess what? I’m squeezin’ out another gob! Feels real fuckin’ rad!” That shit’s not gonna fly.
People just send tit pics now and call it a day, sweetie. This isn’t 1997. Be an adult.

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“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping.” - Nick, 30.

Brido: First of all, NO. Don’t come to bed in soaking wet anything. Not unless it’s the middle of a hot summer and the air conditioner is broken. Or if you don’t mind sleeping in a puddle, like you’re some old hobo who’s just given up on life. Wet tee shirts are what pervert college town bar owners do for theme night contests. They’re not for cuddlin’. Yes, we want to see your nipples, ladies. But they’re just not worth ruining anyone’s sheets over.

Burns: Nick, you’re 30 and the best turn on story you’ve got is about the time an ex came to bed in a wet t-shirt? Did you totally finger her, bro? Jeez, bet you could see her nips and everything. Sounds pretty erotic.

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“My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately.” - Ron, 25

Brido: Is this what Ron is going to say when he takes the witness stand? Gross. It’s never good for business when you have to pry someone’s mouth open. Actually, don’t make guys pry anything open, ladies. If you want to turn a guy on, I think the best place to start is NOT acting like the thought of him repulses you.

Burns: There’s nothing “passionate” about “prying open” something. Unless you’re listening to a Keith Sweat LP while opening a can of red paint with a screwdriver. This also make me think of the time Peter didn’t want to go to the dentist on the Cosby show, and kept putting his hand over his mouth until Cliff convinced him it was cool to let the Dr. (played by Danny fucking Kaye, RIP) work on him. Great, Now I’m picturing your girlfriend is Peter. And you’re Danny Kaye. And you’re prying his Peter mouth open with…damnit, fuck you Ron.