Netflix Psychologist - Intern Edition

image

Welcome to Streaming Video Service Psychologist, the game where a special guest tells us the top 4 things that Netflix (or your streaming video service of choice) has discovered about you, and we’ll tell you just what is wrong with you.

In our inaugural edition, we got our intern Cort Freeman to be our guinea pig, so we made him reveal his deepest darkest secret: his Netflix recommendation page.



image
BECAUSE YOU WATCHED THAT 70s SHOW
Remember in 1998, when That 70s Show came out and it sounded almost like if you were making a joke about how TV is completely out of ideas? Surprise, assholes, guess what, this show was on forever, and was home to the Sexiest Woman Alive, Hollywood’s Steve Jobs, the Most Laid Man in Los Angeles, and Topher Grace, so we should all learn not to judge a show by its (terrible, simply awful) logline.

What this says about Cort: at one point this would have said he was open minded to a fault, the dude who’s always like “it’s better than you think, seriously.” But we’re pretty sure he’s just a dude whose mom blocked Black Swan from On Demand.

image
MORE FOOTBALL MOVIES Check it out, sports heads, Netflix knows you better than you know yourself. “Football Movies.” Yeah, definitely, like that’s a legit genre. Like Waterboy, or Rudy, and Any Given Sunday are all, you know, pretty much the same shit. Weirdly enough, though, despite creatively having almost no bearing on anything, the genre of “FOOTBALL MOVIES” actually kind of makes sense when you think about the dudes (let’s face it, exclusively dudes) who know that, whatever the message, style, or tone of a movie, as long as that shit got football, that’s all it takes.

What this says about Cort: Not picky about movies, yes picky about watching dudes hit each other.

image
MORE DARK TV SHOWS FROM THE 1990s
Really, this just means X-Files and a bunch of much more terrible shows, right?

What this says about Cort: Possibly paranoid, and definitely one of those dudes who “can’t rule out the possibility that aliens walk among us.”


Conclusion: Our test subject appears to be hiding a past life as a sexy teen, suppressing subconscious rage, and a huge amount of paranoia. Like always, we recommend sedation. Don’t worry, we’re putting him into the Hannibal Lecter mask right now.